7.40 pm.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been missing.

Part because the internet in my house was screwed up for a five days or a week or something like that, part because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

I’m already feeling the self importance in this post.

Between running around and sending stupid text messages, buying car wash supplies and haunting tracks late at night, and generally being fresh, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  This is typically a cause for concern; I’ve less I think the faster I run, and the faster I run the sooner a brand new car shows up in the driveway [a.k.a. today?  What?] but for once, I think settling into my mind has done more good than harm.  And it’s funny, because I’ve spent more time with people this summer than I ever had before, so maybe it’s the idea that my time spent alone is genuine “recede into my brain, don’t try and count the stars because your eyes will explode” time rather than “I wish I was playing” time.

I don’t know if this makes sense.

My thinking has led me to a beautiful, horrible conclusion.

It’s making me immensely sad just thinking about it.  It’s making my stomach turn and I have to keep uncrossing my legs because my body seems to want to curl up and not do anything about it.

This is the end of my Tumblr.

I figured I should leave one last good post, right?  In classic “I’m going to put the time of day as the title and pretend that I’m funny and try to be insightful” kind of way.  Don’t worry, I’m not deleting it.  I’m logging off right after this and getting someone to change the password, so I won’t be tempted to tumble to my hearts content.  But I’m not erasing almost a year and a half of my life.

Tumblr has helped me grow.  It taught me that other people have thoughts, that words have impact, and showed me a glimpse of what I can possibly be in the future.  It cured my boredom while writing essays, it made me miss the bus once or twice, and it provided an outlet, an ear, to my saddest afternoons, strangest mornings, and ideas upon ideas about who I am.  I became closer to my friends through our writings, as well as made friends through mutual likes and occasional reblogs.  It not only gave me room to grow, but a space to try and figure out what exactly I’m made out of.

But I need to stop.

It’s not the same as it was when I began.  I don’t think anymore.  I don’t produce quality writing, I don’t write say anything funny.  Maybe I know too many people; maybe I’m just a huge hipster and don’t like how popular it’s become.  All I know for certain is that, as of late, it’s more detrimental than a release.  I worry about what people are going to say, I worry that people won’t like what I have to say.  That’s not the way to be.

And, even worse, it’s replaced most of my talking.  Any interesting thoughts are dried up on the internet, not flowing out of my mouth excitedly to Wendy or Shannon or Alex or anyone else for goodness sake.  I need human contact; I need to get out from behind a computer and live.

That’s it.  I need to live.  I want to go out and watch clouds, not a screen, and breathe fresh air and sell sneakers and run through the rain.  I want to go away, go hiking, go camping, sneak out of the house.  I want to get outside and drive around with the windows open, and leaving all of this is a step towards that.

I’m going to miss all of the people I follow, as well as all of my followers.  I’m going to miss cupcakes and kittens and hipsters and Christine Friar.  

So this is where I leave you.  Be nice.  Look at the world with open eyes.  Do what makes you happy.  And that’s all I have to say.

Love, mk.