7.40 pm.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been missing.

Part because the internet in my house was screwed up for a five days or a week or something like that, part because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

I’m already feeling the self importance in this post.

Between running around and sending stupid text messages, buying car wash supplies and haunting tracks late at night, and generally being fresh, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  This is typically a cause for concern; I’ve less I think the faster I run, and the faster I run the sooner a brand new car shows up in the driveway [a.k.a. today?  What?] but for once, I think settling into my mind has done more good than harm.  And it’s funny, because I’ve spent more time with people this summer than I ever had before, so maybe it’s the idea that my time spent alone is genuine “recede into my brain, don’t try and count the stars because your eyes will explode” time rather than “I wish I was playing” time.

I don’t know if this makes sense.

My thinking has led me to a beautiful, horrible conclusion.

It’s making me immensely sad just thinking about it.  It’s making my stomach turn and I have to keep uncrossing my legs because my body seems to want to curl up and not do anything about it.

This is the end of my Tumblr.

I figured I should leave one last good post, right?  In classic “I’m going to put the time of day as the title and pretend that I’m funny and try to be insightful” kind of way.  Don’t worry, I’m not deleting it.  I’m logging off right after this and getting someone to change the password, so I won’t be tempted to tumble to my hearts content.  But I’m not erasing almost a year and a half of my life.

Tumblr has helped me grow.  It taught me that other people have thoughts, that words have impact, and showed me a glimpse of what I can possibly be in the future.  It cured my boredom while writing essays, it made me miss the bus once or twice, and it provided an outlet, an ear, to my saddest afternoons, strangest mornings, and ideas upon ideas about who I am.  I became closer to my friends through our writings, as well as made friends through mutual likes and occasional reblogs.  It not only gave me room to grow, but a space to try and figure out what exactly I’m made out of.

But I need to stop.

It’s not the same as it was when I began.  I don’t think anymore.  I don’t produce quality writing, I don’t write say anything funny.  Maybe I know too many people; maybe I’m just a huge hipster and don’t like how popular it’s become.  All I know for certain is that, as of late, it’s more detrimental than a release.  I worry about what people are going to say, I worry that people won’t like what I have to say.  That’s not the way to be.

And, even worse, it’s replaced most of my talking.  Any interesting thoughts are dried up on the internet, not flowing out of my mouth excitedly to Wendy or Shannon or Alex or anyone else for goodness sake.  I need human contact; I need to get out from behind a computer and live.

That’s it.  I need to live.  I want to go out and watch clouds, not a screen, and breathe fresh air and sell sneakers and run through the rain.  I want to go away, go hiking, go camping, sneak out of the house.  I want to get outside and drive around with the windows open, and leaving all of this is a step towards that.

I’m going to miss all of the people I follow, as well as all of my followers.  I’m going to miss cupcakes and kittens and hipsters and Christine Friar.  

So this is where I leave you.  Be nice.  Look at the world with open eyes.  Do what makes you happy.  And that’s all I have to say.

Love, mk.

samanthaarei:

…hi Sam.

Breaking and entering <3

Favorite super hero and why.

via.

Peter Parker: awkward, wears glasses, slightly anti-social, neurotic tendencies.

Gets bit by a radioactive spider.

Effects: webs shot out of wrists, can climb buildings like no other, gets to wear spandex.

I am clearly a watered down version of Spider Man.

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

I’m going to be honest: the only interesting place that I remember going to was Ireland a few summers ago.

I went with my grandmother, aunt, and mom.  We drove around.  There was a lot of sheep.

While I was there, I didn’t appreciate it nearly as much as I should have.  I was really awkward and poorly dressed, I had no one my age, and we stayed in these little bed and breakfasts [essentially the guest room of an old couple] that featured a full Irish fare in the morning.  Blood sausage and all.  

One afternoon, we were driving around and choose to take this little road called “Sky Way.”  It wound us around on a road the width of my driveway to the top of this huge hill- you could see farms and villages and the end of the Atlantic.

That picture of the bus is for Shannon.  We were stuck in this dinky car and every time a bus drove by, I cringed in the backseat.

But it was beautiful and would really love to go back; there’s so much history that I breezed over, so many pubs that I opted out on, and so many people I didn’t have the chance to meet.

1.03 pm.

1. Fresh.  Bread.
2. Plans for the afternoon:pick up Aunt from the ferry; drive to Hicksville to go to my cousin’s first birthday; eventually get home and go down to the Village to listen to jazz with Olivia and Lexi and whoever else comes.
3. I went to CVS today and saw a kid from my art class; paid $8.34 in all coins.  
4. I now have Post Its and modeling clay.

A picture of you and your friends: retake.

Eli <3

A habit you wish you didn’t have.

I bite my nails when I’m nervous, crack my fingers when I’m bored, and can’t help but eat cake batter.  I retell stories and interrupt people.  I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time outside.

That’s my cue to leave.

8.43 am.

I woke up nice and early this morning [not really; 8] intending on running, so I brushed my teeth and tried to figure out exactly where to go.  Because of my compulsive issues when it comes to distance, I decided to go on the computer and see how far some jaunt would be.

Being that I was on the computer, I figured I should check up on Facebook.  You know.  I’m popular.  People need to tell me things.

1 new friend request.  Lovely.  I wonder who it could be?

…

Jimbo.

You guys.  My father is now part of the internet.  I don’t know how I feel about this.

brb, gotta go run this out.

A picture of you and your friends: Sam, me, Wendy, Aly, Annie.

These are my friends, you guys.  Everyone else thinks I’m weird and won’t take pictures with me.

7.19 pm.

1. There was a lovely run quite early today with Dooduhl, consisting of racing an old man, going through the first two miles in 15 minutes, and attempting to drink out of sprinklers.
2. I visited Columbia, again, to talk to the coaches.  It went a lot better than I expected -they’re not a bunch of psychopaths, the team is relatively small and close knit, and they have a track somewhere in Manhattan, run in Central Park and Vanny, and the Armory all morning during the winter.  It’s really expensive and maybe I’m not smart enough, but Coach Woods, Coach Richard, and Delilah actually made me excited to join another team.
3. There is no food in my house.  There is no milk, no fruit, no bread, no peanut butter, no cheese, no soup, and no ice cream.  I am in a state of distress.
4. Internet.  Being.  So.  Slow.  Baby, don’t you die on me.  <3